Freedom

Life has so many twist and turns, so many seasons and so many unexpected experiences. Sometimes you need a reset to remind yourself of who you are and who you are becoming. I find that over the last year I have had a significant increase in anxiety. It shows up in so many spaces and sometimes quiet frankly it almost causes a state of paralysis. Most recently it has shown its ugly head when I am planning, that could be planning for an a small event or trip. It's like this lingering feeling of doom surrounding thoughts of the worse things that can happen. Story Time: So one of my colleagues invited me to attend the Dreamers Retreat for Entrepreneurial Therapist with her. It sounded amazing when she first told me. However, fear surrounded the idea of the possibility of attending. At that time the paralysis showed its ugly head. It sounded like "no you can't go, you have no time for breaks" " the world is crazy right now, what if something happens to you or your daughter while you are gone", "I am to tired to see the possibility for growth" It grew so much in the form of these messages until it was suffocating. However, the woman within me started questioning her current existence. Reflecting on past life experiences which included travel, mission trips, new experiences and adventures. Visualizing the moments where the inner child we will call "Eat em Up" would chase the opportunity for an adrenaline rush. All while experiencing this reflection I was simultaneously feeling high levels of fear and grief. Asking questions like "What if she is gone for ever? " "Where did she go?" "How do I find her?". Well the earliest memory of her is when I was given that name "Eat Em Up" by a family friend when I was maybe between the ages of 2-4. The story was told that I loved grits so much that I would eat them with all the joy in my soul. "I must have enjoyed textures at an early age ". They said they would find grits in every crevis of my body. Under my arms, in the creases of my legs, between my fingers, in my eyes… I think you get the picture. As I am writing this , the EMDR therapist within is realizing and connecting the feeling in my body that first experienced freedom . It feels so light, so innocent, so childlike , so free… I am going to pause and tap that in. I think that is the blog … that is the message for today… I did not have a particular direction today… I just decided to write and go with how my body tells the story. The story today laughs in freedom. The story today lives with wreckless abandon, radical acceptance … "Eat Em Up" calls to Juliet from within and says eat your grits girl with reckless abandon! Laugh from the belly up and take time to feel the connection with your body and soul. Cry the tears of joy , sadness , anger , grief and excitement. Be intentional, mindful and present with your tears. Feel their warmth as they fall down your checks , curl under your chin and drip on your bosom to irrigate your heart and soul. Sit with them. Their yours, your freedom, your irrigation. The damn has been broken. Today I encourage you to be present with your tears. Take notice to where you feel the tears in your body. Does your head feel stress? Are you tense trying to keep them from falling? Is your breathing irregulated due to holding your breath? What do you notice in you? What is your earliest memory of this feeling? If it becomes disturbing pause and give me a call you may need additional support in that area. Whatever it is be present with it fully, be in the presence of you… this is the beginning of your journey…resourcing, mindfulness , developing attachment and EMDR Talk to you soon